


Inner Thoughts

by prince_yoongi



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Gen, Head Injury, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Langst, Major Character Injury, Mind Reading, Past Abuse, Superpowers, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-05-01 11:52:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14519955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prince_yoongi/pseuds/prince_yoongi
Summary: Lance gains the ability to hear peoples thoughts, only there's no way to shut it off. He's forced to hear everyone's honest feeling all the time, with no reprieve.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a prompt but I screwed it up and then it got really long so. It's a whole freaking fic now.  
> Also because I transfer the fic onto ao3 from somewhere else the italicized words don't always show up that way so the stuff being spoke is like "this" and the thoughts that Lance is hearing is written like 'this' so that there's less confusion.

It all started when Lance was on a mission with Hunk, they were scouting a planet to see what lived on it. The planet was mostly some type of jungle. Lance and Hunk were having trouble getting through the thick branches.

“I don’t think anyone lives here” Hunk said, stating the obvious. They had been on the planet for hours now, and there were still no signs of life. Lance pushed a branch out of his way as they continued to trudge forward. He was painfully aware of the sudden drop off next to him, that lead directly into some type of bubbling swamp.

“Yeah, no shit” he replied as he stepped over a tree root. He glanced around and then stopped. “Hunk, I think we should just head back to the ship. There’s obviously no one here” Hunk looked around as well.

“I think you’re right. We can just turn around” Lance hesitated.

“Actually, I think it’s this way” he said, pointing behind him he turned to peer in that direction.

“Lance, watch out!” Hunk called, a moment too late. Lance tripped as he turned around and skidded down the incline, landing face first onto a rock, leaving a crack down the center of his helmet. He felt his body begin to roll down the hill, so he desperately grabbed for anything he could get a hold of, but with no luck. He tumbled down the hill into the bubbling green liquid, disappearing beneath the surface. He flailed his arms as he tried to swim back up to the surface. He couldn’t see anything except green. Water flooded into Lance’s helmet through the crack down the center. Lance gasped for breath. He could hear Hunk’s screaming at him as he sunk deeper and deeper into the liquid. The fowl tasting liquid poured into his mouth, choking him. He tried to scream but couldn’t.

And then everything went black.

~ ~

The next thing he remembered was stumbling out of the healing pod. He fell directly into someone’s arms. His head felt like it was full of cotton, and his ears were ringing. He blinked the blurriness out of his eyes and saw Shiro in front of him.

“Shiro…?” he mumbled groggily. “What happened?” he asked. Lance’s head throbbed as he leaned limply in Shiro’s chest. He groaned. He felt awful. Normally when he got out of the healing pod he felt amazing, but right now he felt like he had been hit by a truck. Lance grabbed Shiro’s shoulders to pull himself back up to his feet.

“…ance?” Shiro’s words were muffled. “…an you hear me?” Lance nodded slowly, growing more nauseous with each passing second.

“Ugh, god” he moaned. “It hurts” he gripped his head, still leaning on Shiro. Shiro looked down at him in concern. He had assumed that Lance would feel better after coming out of the healing pod.

“Do… remember… happened?” Lance’s hearing was fading in and out. Lance shook his head. The last thing he remembered was leaving the castle with Hunk. “-ou fell into some type of swamp” he explained. “Your helmet was damaged in the fall and the water leaked through and filled up your helmet, you inhaled at lot of it”

“How long was I in there?” Lance croaked. The pressure in his head was worsening.

“Six days” he responded. “Are you feeling okay?” Lance thought about it for a moment.

“Uh, my head’s killing me” he admitted.

“You’re body’s probably just tired. Why don’t you get some rest?” Shiro suggested. Lance nodded.

“Yeah” he agreed. “You’re probably right” Shiro patted him on the shoulder, and then Lance headed off to his room. He was almost out the door when he heard a voice.

‘God, I hope he doesn’t slow us down’ Lance paused at those words. It sounded like Shiro. Lance turned to ask what he had said, but Shiro had already left the room. Lance shook his head, thinking he imagined it. Maybe he really was just tired.

~ ~

When he woke up the next morning he realized that this was not the case. His headache had not gone away, in fact, it had worsened. His head throbbed as he got up and dressed for the day. He dragged his tired body down the hall and into the dining room. As soon as he pushed the door open he was bombarded by a swarm of voices.

“Whoa!” he yelped, covering his ears with his hands. The voices didn’t quiet down.

‘God, I’m so sick of this good. I miss waffles. I hope the paladins are prepared for tomorrow, I fear that the mission will be quite difficult. This is my fault. It’s all my fault. He wouldn’t have tripped if I didn’t suggest going back. Hey, there’s Lance! What is he doing? What is Lance doing? Is he okay? Oh god, he really is going to slow us down, isn’t he? This is just another mess I’m going to have to clean up’ the last voice was very obviously Shiro’s. But Lance had no idea where they were all coming from.

“Lance!?” Hunk shouted out loud. Lance was huddled on the floor gripping his skull. “Are you okay? What’s happening?” the voice’s continued to shout at him.

‘What’s happening to him? Is there something wrong with him? Is he doing this for attention. Gees, we get it Lance, you’re back.’ Lance whimpered. Why was this happening? What was happening?

“C’mere” Hunk pulled Lance back up. “What was that? Are you okay?” ‘Oh god is he brain damaged? If he’s brain damaged or something I’m never going to forgive myself.’

“It wasn’t your fault” Lance replied. Hunk looked at him in confusion.

“What?” Lance glanced around and realized that he had answered a question that Hunk hadn’t asked.

“Uh, I mean. I’m fine. It’s just a really bad headache” he shrugged and sat down. ‘A lot of drama for a fucking headache’ Lance whipped his head around, trying to figure out who said that. “What did you say?” he asked sharply. Keith glanced at Shiro and then back at Lance.

“I didn’t say anything” he didn’t have a chance to question him anymore before a plate of food was set down in front of him. He pinched his lips together, and then began eating.

“Other than your headache, are you… feeling okay?” Shiro asked tentatively. ‘He’s acting strange. I wonder how much of this is real and how much is an act’ Lance furrowed his eyebrows.

“I- I’m not faking!” Lance said in exasperation.

“I never said you were” Shiro said with a frown. “Lance are you alright?” ‘What’s his problem?’ Lance looked around the table in bewilderment. The voices grew louder in his head again.

‘Why is everything about Lance? All we ever do is talk about him anymore. Everything is about him and his problems. Lance. Lance. Lance. Lance’

Lance squeezed his eyes shut and tried to force the noise to go away. It wasn’t until he was almost done eating that he realized what was happening.

He was hearing everyone’s thoughts.

But, that was crazy. That was stuff that only happened in comic books. Although, he did fight aliens in space, so maybe mind reading wasn’t that far off.

Lance quickly excused himself from the table and hurried out into the hall. The voices didn’t leave when he walked out of the room. Instead, they rattled around his brain. He didn’t stop moving until he was in his room, where he collapsed against the door.

He was hearing other people’s thoughts. It was an absurd notion, but it was the only thing that Lance could think of. It was the only thing that made sense. There must’ve been something weird about that swamp that he fell into.

He knew where and what everyone was doing the entire day because of their thoughts. Pidge and Hunk were both working on a complex math problem. Keith was training or thinking about how to improve his training. Shiro was having a conversation with Coran. And Allura was thinking of her father.

Lance didn’t mind the voices, he decided later that day, after he had come to terms with it. They were kind of loud, but he thought it was kind of cool that he could hear everyone’s thoughts. It was kind of like he was a superhero. He was like Spiderman when he was bit by the spider, Captain America when he was injected with the serum, the Hulk when his experiment went wrong. In a way he was kind of like a superhero now. He decided that he might as well have a little fun with his newfound superpower.

He decided to test his powers out on Keith first. He knew that he was in the training room. His thoughts grew louder in Lance’s head as he approached the room. He grinned deviously. This was going to be so much fun. He was going to mess with Keith’s head.

‘This is stupid. Why am I even bothering with this?’ Lance paused in the doorway outside the training room. What was Keith talking about? ‘My dad was right. I’m never going to amount to anything. I’m just weighing these guys down. They don’t need me. I shouldn’t even be here. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t be the Red paladin. I don’t deserve it.’ Lance’s smile slipped off his face. Did Keith really think that? Lance pushed the door open and peeked his head in. Keith was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.

“Keith?” he called. ‘Fuck. Get your shit together. Don’t let him know you’ve been crying.’

“Y- yeah?” Keith cleared his throat. “What do you want?” ‘I’m so weak. Why do I cry so easily?’

“I just… wanted to see what you were up to” Lance said slowly. ‘He probably thinks I’m pathetic. Why won’t he leave?’ “Uh, if you’re busy I’ll leave. Sorry” Keith kept his back to Lance.

“I’m training. I’ll see you later, okay?” he called over his shoulder. ‘I can’t let him see me like this. He’ll make fun of me. He’s always making fun of me.’

“Oh- okay” Lance said quietly. “Sorry to bother you” Lance closed the door behind him with a quiet thud, and then he trudged back to his room feeling upset.

Maybe mind reading wasn’t all that great.

The sound of Keith’s self-deprecating thoughts remained in his brain all night.

~ ~

Throughout the next few days Lance completely erased the idea that his new ability was a good thing. It was not a blessing, or a cool superpower. It was curse. The voices never ceased in his head. He could hear every thought that his friends had, no matter how pointless or absurd. He heard every bad thought that they had about themselves and about others. Lance heard what they really thought about him.

Their thoughts were clouding up his head. He was having trouble concentrating. He was so busy trying to decipher what was actually being said out loud. He had avoided training and being in the same room as the more than one person at a time to keep the noise level down.

The others were starting to notice that there was something wrong with him. He almost never responded to anyone’s question right away. Instead he would stare blankly at the wall for several seconds until they repeated the question. The thought that maybe Lance had attained some type of brain damage from his fall was in the back of all their minds. Which of course meant that Lance heard it.

Lance tried to shut out the voices as best as he could. They were on a mission now. He was about to land his lion. He had time to mentally prepare out here, because the space between him and the other muffled their voices. It was the first few moments of almost silence that he’d had in days. He steeled himself as he landed his lion on the planet. He stepped out and was immediately hit with a sudden wave of voices. It was so overwhelming that he crumpled to the ground screaming.

“Lance? Lance! Did you get hit!?” Pidge screamed. Lance could barely hear her voice. He couldn’t distinguish anyone’s thoughts, they were all jumbled up. He didn’t know where they were coming from.

“N- no” he stuttered out, wincing his pain. “M- my head” Pidge eyed him nervously. She didn’t know if it was okay for him to finish the mission.

“Maybe… you should go back to your lion” she said. “You know, if your head is hurting you that bad—” Lance waved her off, shakily standing to his feet.

“I’m fine. Really” he said. ‘Why does he keep lying? What’s really wrong with him? God, I hope he doesn’t get someone hurt acting like this’ Lance sucked in a breath and then turned and walked away from here. It was best that he wasn’t around the others too much. They obviously didn’t want him around anyway, based on the way they thought about him.

Lance later found out that the onslaught of voices that he heard were coming from the Galra soldiers. They were guarding the prisoners that the paladins had come to rescue. They were currently in the process of trying to fight them, so they could get inside. Lance found that if he concentrated enough he could hear the thoughts of the soldier he was fighting and know what he was planning to do before he even moved. It was very helpful. Unfortunately, there were so many voices in his head that he didn’t always hear the right one.

The voices were like raging storm in his mind. It was chaos. For a while he could barely distinguish one thought from another until—

‘The green one is an easy target. I’ll get her while she’s running. I have a perfect shot’

The thought came through clearly. Lance raised his head and searched for Pidge desperately. He spotted her running across the field toward Hunk and Shiro.

“Pidge!” he screamed to warn her. “Look—” his words were cut off when he felt something sharp pierce his back. He stumbled forward, away from the assailant and then spun around and blasted him with his bayard. Lance blindly groped around his back and felt the handle of a knife buried deep in his right shoulder. He stood there, mouth open in shock. He had been stabbed. He stood there perfectly still as the battle raged on around him.

He didn’t notice it at first, the deafening quietness. There wasn’t a single thought in his mind except his own. He couldn’t hear anyone’s thoughts. His shoulders slumped in relief, which caused him to cry out in pain. It was only them that Hunk noticed Lance.

“Holy shit!” he screeched. He rushed over to Lance who was still standing in the same spot he had been when he had been stabbed. “Oh- oh my god. You’re going to be okay. You’ll be okay” Hunk babbled as he examined the knife in Lance’s back. Lance lifted his gun and shot a soldier over Hunk’s shoulder. Hunk turned around in surprise. “Shit. Thanks.” he mumbled, clearly in shock. He wasn’t even the one who had been stabbed. Lance didn’t even mind the pain. It was preferable over the constant rush of voices in his head. He no longer had to hear his friends most intimate thoughts and secrets.

The only down side was he was starting to sway on his feet.

“Whoa, whoa. I got you” Hunk said, catching Lance as he pitched forward. “Uh, guys? Can I get a little help here?” he asked. Lance closed his eyes. His consciousness was fading fast.

“What happened!?” Lance heard someone else’s voice. He wasn’t sure who it was.

“I- I don’t know! I just found him here like this. I don’t know when it happened—” and then everything went black.

~ ~

He woke up as the pod doors opened up. He was face to face with Shiro. Lance smiled at him. His head didn’t hurt anymore. He felt refreshed.

“Morning” Lance said cheerfully.

“You look like you’re feeling better” Shiro commented. Lance nodded.

“I am. I feel great” Shiro smiled back.

“That’s good!” he said. “I’m glad. I know you’ve been having headaches a lot lately” Lance ducked his head in embarrassment.

“Yeah…” he rubbed the back of his neck. “About that…”

“What is it?” Shiro asked. Lance wasn’t sure he should tell him. It seemed to be gone now, so there was no reason tell him. But still, Lance felt like he needed to tell someone. And if he was going to tell anyone it was going to be Shiro.

“You remember when I fell into that swamp last week?” Lance asked. Shiro nodded.

“Oh yeah, you’ve been in the pod twice this week haven’t you. You really need to try and be more careful, Lance” Lance hunched his shoulders.

“I- I know! But it wasn’t my fault… I just—” he sighed. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter” Shiro stared at him intently and then nodded.

“Okay. But Lance, you know you can talk to me about anything… right?” he told him. Lance sighed.

“I know”

Lance went straight to his room after that. He figured he could use some sleep, and Shiro agreed. He barely laid his head down when he heard it.

‘I don’t know how to deal with him. Maybe I should confront him about it. He’s clearly doing all of this for attention, but why?’

Tears tracking down his face, Lance buried his face in his pillow.

~ ~

It wasn’t until a few days later that Lance couldn’t take it anymore. The voices were driving him crazy. At first, he thought it was cool that he could hear what everyone really thought about things, but now it was getting scary. He never wanted to know that Shiro struggled PTSD and sometimes roamed the halls all night long to calm himself down, or that Keith’s father had been abusive. He didn’t want to know that Hunk was secretly terrified whenever anyone raised their voice because his family used to yell at him a lot, or that Pidge cried every night because she thought that her family was dead.

Lance heard their pain and carried it with him. He didn’t ask to know these things. If he was going to learn about them he wanted to hear it from his friends, when they were ready. Not when their thoughts were being projected into Lance’s mind. It felt like he was intruding on their personal lives. He felt horrible about it. And that was why he had to tell everyone about it. The coolness of his newfound ‘superpower’ had long since faded. He was sick of it. And he was sick of dealing with it alone.

He waited until everyone was gathered for dinner, and then stood at the head of the table. “Guys…” he said quietly. No one heard him. He cleared his throat and repeated himself. “Hey, guys” Six pairs of eyes turned to stare at Lance. He tugged on the jacket of his sleeve nervously. He tried to ignore the annoyed thoughts from someone that he had interrupted dinner, or the internal eye roll from another who was dreading another ‘Lance’ bit. His heart sank, but he held himself up as he waited for them to quiet down. “I have to tell you guys something”

“What is it, Lance?” Shiro asked. Lance tried to ignore the dread in his tone. It stung more than he would ever admit.

“I… okay. So, you know how I’ve been weird lately?” he asked. Everyone nodded. “And I’ve been getting headaches a lot” They nodded again. “It’s been happening ever since I went on that mission with Hunk. But there’s something else that I haven’t told you guys…” Shiro leaned forward in his seat, looking concerned. “Ever since I came out of the healing pod that time I’ve been- I’ve been hearing other people’s thoughts” Everyone groaned at his words. Lance’s flushed in embarrassment.

“Lance,” Shiro said with a tired sigh.

“Wait, let me finish!” Lance said quickly. “I’m serious. This isn’t a joke. I’ve been hearing everyone’s thoughts in my head” he was trying to ignore the hateful words they were saying about him right now. “I hear all of your thoughts in my head all the time—” Shiro got a look on his face that Lance couldn’t read.

“Lance… you’re hearing voices?” Shiro asked. ‘Oh god. What if he really is brain damaged? What if the healing pods aren’t fixing it? Maybe we should get him to a real doctor to check him out. But he still might be joking… I’m never sure.’ Lance whined desperately.

“No! Well, yes, but not like that! It’s your voices. Your thoughts” he needed them to understand. ‘He’s got to be completely crazy if he thinks were going to believe this’ That came from Pidge. “Pidge come on! I’m not lying I swear!” she glanced away.

“I’ve fallen for your crap one to many times, Lance” she said with her head down. Lance turned to Hunk.

“Buddy?” he knew what Hunk was going to say before he even opened his mouth. ‘Why does he always think that I’m going to side with him just because we’re friends? I don’t have to go along with all his stupid jokes’ Lance stared at him in dismay. Out of everyone, Hunk’s thoughts hurt the most.

“I- I don’t know, man” he said slowly, scratching the back of his neck. “This might be a little far, even for you”

“Keith… you believe me… right?” Lance asked pleadingly. Keith glanced around the room at the other.

“I- uh, wh- I don’t… I mean—” he stuttered. ‘Why is he asking me? We’re not even friends. Why does he care what I think? How can I tell him no without pissing him off? God, if he’s crazy what if he hurts someone? Or himself? Are we safe?’ Lance’s heart stopped in his chest. Keith was… scared of him?

“You know what, never mind” he said sadly. He crossed his arms.

“Lance, I think we need to talk about this” Shiro called as Lance turned to walk out the door. He moved in front of him and blocked his path. “I think you need to—” ‘How do I tell him he has to see a doctor without it sounding like I’m forcing him?’

“I’m not crazy!” Lance shouted. Shiro looked surprised. “I don’t need to see any doctor or anything! You’re all right. I was joking. I’m sorry, I thought it would be funny, or whatever” he pushed past Shiro and walked out of the room. Everyone’s honest thoughts of Lance following him.

He never knew that they thought so little of him.

~ ~

He kept his thoughts to himself after that. He never brought it up again, and neither did anyone else. They thought about it every time he walked into the room though. He spent most of his time alone now. Being away from people helped quiet their thoughts, though not a lot.

The voice had been growing progressively louder and louder in his mind. He gripped his hair and tugged. Sometimes their thoughts were so loud that he couldn’t even hear his own thoughts. He hadn’t been going to meals because sitting in a room with them all was unbearable these days. He opted for midnight snacks, although he sometimes had to skip those because Keith would be in the kitchen at that time. He barely slept anymore. It was only when he passed out from exhaustion that he got a small reprieve from the never-ending roar of voices in his head.

He was cursed to hear his friend’s personal inner thoughts and opinions of him for the rest of his life. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. He didn’t know what he could do to make it stop. Nothing seemed to help. Music didn’t drown it out, training extensively didn’t quiet the voices, not even screaming helped. Lance banged his head against the wall in a last-ditch attempt to get the voices to quiet. Even the throbbing in his head didn’t lessen the noise.

Suddenly a sick thought popped into his mind. He realized that the only time that the noise had ever stopped was when he had been injured during their last mission. The minute he was stabbed the voices faded. He lifted his head from the wall at the thought.

He couldn’t do that to himself… could he?

But then he remembered all the horrible things that his friends had said about him in his mind. They thought that he was crazy, or that he was joking. None of them took him seriously. And he knew that they all dreaded it when he walked into a room. He wondered how long they had thought that about him. Was it just a recent thing, or had they always thought that about him? Lance wasn’t sure, but he knew that he couldn’t take it anymore. He would do anything for even a few minutes of silence.

It was late already, so Lance crept through the castle quietly, praying that everyone was asleep. There was only one place that he was guaranteed to find what he was looking for. Because it was this late he knew that he wouldn’t be there. He only hesitated for a moment before he snuck into his room.

Keith’s room.

He found what he was looking for. It was on top of his dresser, the same place he always kept it. Lance wrapped his hand around the knife and hid it in the waistband of his jeans before sneaking back out of the room. Keith’s knife was the only one sharp enough that Lance could find. The practice swords were dull so that they didn’t hurt themselves, and he couldn’t take one from the kitchen because Keith was in there. Lance could hear his thoughts loudly as he walked past the door. ‘This is stupid. I should be sleeping. He’s billions of miles away and he’s still affecting me.’ Lance clenched his fists. Soon he wouldn’t have to hear these things. Soon he wouldn’t be intruding on other people’s thoughts.

Lance snuck back into his room and climbed into his shower. He didn’t want anyone to have to clean up his mess. He stood there in the shower taking in the seriousness of this situation. Was he really going to do this? Did he really want to go thought with this?

Then he thought back to what Keith had thought about him the day Lance told them the truth. He was scared of him. They thought he was broken, that he was crazy. In a way they were all right.

He was broken.

Without hesitating he plunged the knife into his gut with a sickening squish. He gasped as the pain radiated through his whole body. He stared down at the knife protruding from his body in shock. He hadn’t actually thought he would go through with it. He staggered backwards and dropped to the floor. The pain was unbearable. He hadn’t expected it to feel like this. But…

The voices were gone.

He could hear himself think.

The overwhelming feeling of everyone’s thoughts bombarding his head had completely disappeared.

He was free.

He slumped back against the wall behind him in relief, a smile creeping on his face.

For the first time in weeks he was totally and completely alone with his thoughts.

~ ~

He didn’t know how long he laid there in his shower, watching his blood slowly drip onto the tile floor and side down the drain. It was kind of mesmerizing. He knew that if he pulled the knife out he would bleed out and die. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to die yet. He hadn’t deiced. He did know that he didn’t want to live this way anymore, and if someone put him in the pod everything would go back to the way it was before.

He didn’t want that.

He heard footsteps approaching him, and for the first time in months Lance had no idea who it was. He smiled to himself, ignoring the blood that was bubbling up his throat.

“Hey, Lance” Keith whispered as the door slid open. Keith couldn’t see him from where he was standing. “Uh, are you in here? I was just going to ask you if you knew where my knife was. I can’t find it” he turned and peeked his head into Lance’s bathroom, spotting Lance sitting on the shower floor, his knife buried in Lance’s stomach. “Lance!” Keith gasped as processed what he was seeing. Lance’s was hunched against the wall, blood pooling all around him as he cradled the knife still in his skin. “Oh my god, what happened!” Keith said in panic as he sprinted across the space between them. Lance lifted his head to Keith and smiled. His mouth was filled with blood. It began to run down his chin.

“I don’t hear them anymore” he whispered. Keith looked at him in horror.

“What!?”

“The voices” Lance explained. His breathing had become labored. He was struggling to stay awake now. “Your thoughts. I don’t hear them anymore” he said in relief. He leaned his head back against the wall.

“Wh- you—” Keith’s eyes widened in realization. “You did this to yourself?” he asked. Lance grinned again. Keith felt sick. Lance’s pain had grown so much that he had stabbed himself to make it go away? “Oh… god” he breathed. “I- I have to get you to the healing pod. Now” Keith said frantically. Moving Lance was probably going to make it worse, but he had no choice. Lance was losing consciousness already. Keith bent down and carefully scooped Lance up in his arms. Lance weakly fought against Keith’s grip. He was too far gone to really stop him.

“No,” Lance mumbled quietly, rolling his head over on Keith’s chest. “Put me down” he whimpered pathetically. “Don’t put me in there. I don’t want to” he knew that as soon as he was out of the pod the voices would be back. He couldn’t take it anymore. He was done fighting it.

“Lance, what happened to you?” Keith was walking down the hall as quickly as he could without jostling Lance too much. Lance hummed quietly and laid his head down, unable to hold it up anymore.

“Don’t worry, Keith” he said weakly. “Don’t think about what your dad said to you. I think you’re strong. You’re enough” Keith frowned. Why would he say that…?

“What are you talking about?”

“Your father. You think about him a lot. He’s not here. He can’t hurt you. You’re strong, Keith” Lance was beginning to ramble now. His mind was slipping.

“How- How do you know about that?” Keith asked, his voice raising.

“I’m tired” Lance said instead of responding. A bolt of fear ran through Keith.

“Don’t fall asleep” Keith instructed. “Do you hear me? Don’t go to sleep. Stay with me. Okay?” Lance didn’t respond. Keith’s heart sunk in his chest. “Lance?” he quickened his pace. He was almost to the healing pod. Just a few more steps…

When he was standing directly outside the pod he looked down at Lance. “You’re going to be okay” he mumbled as he laid him down on the floor. “You’re going- This is going to hurt, I’m sorry” he wrapped his fingers around the knife and closed his eyes as he pulled it out of his friend’s body. He tried to ignore the blood dripping off the knife as he threw it to the floor. He lifted Lance back up into his arms and gently propped him up in the healing pod. “You’re… going to be okay” he closed the door and quickly turned to the controls. He had seen Coran do it several times, so he knew how to work it. He clicked the button to turn it on and waited for it to scan Lance’s body before he selected the recommended healing process.

NO SIGNS OF LIFE

Keith stared at the words flashing across the screen blankly. He slammed his hand against the button again. It scanned for a few more seconds and then—

NO SIGNS OF LIFE

Keith watched the words scroll across the screen numbly. He hit the button again. And then again. And again. Over and over he punched the button, only for it to read the same message.

He didn’t want to believe that Lance was gone.

He couldn’t believe that he was too late.

He stared at Lance’s limp body leaning against the door of the healing pod. He felt dazed. Without another thought he turned and walked out of the room. He walked straight to the Shiro’s room and walked in without knocking.

Shiro was sitting on the edge of his bed with a book in his hand.

“Hey Kei—” he stopped abruptly when he noticed that Keith was covered in blood. “Oh my god. What happened!?” Shiro shouted, jumping up to assess his injuries. Keith rubbed his arm, staring wide eyed at the floor.

“It’s not mine” he said softly. Shiro continued to look him over, until he was sure that it was not, in fact, Keith’s blood.

“Then who- whose is it!?”

“We messed up, Shiro” Keith choked out. Tears were falling down his face, but he made no move to wipe them off. “We really messed up”

“Keith, you have to calm down” Shiro instructed. He motioned for Keith to take a deep breath with him. Keith tried his best, but he could barely manage a shaky breath. “Whose blood is it?” Keith’s whole body was shaking.

“He- he told us. He told us something was wrong” Keith stuttered out instead of answering his question. “He told us that there was something wrong. We should’ve know. We should’ve listened to him…” he trailed off.

“Wh- Keith—” Shiro said in exasperation. “Wait… do you mean Lance?” Keith nodded numbly. “Where is? Keith, tell me where he is!” Keith stared at the floor.

“Healing pod” he mumbled. Shiro sprinted off. Keith knew it was pointless. It was too late. Lance was already gone. What would have happened if they listened to Lance? If the believed him when he told them what was wrong with him. What would have happened? Would he still be alive?

Keith didn’t know. But he did know that this was all their faults. They could have prevented this. If only they had believed him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Lance is gone. The others now have to cope with what seems to be their fault.
> 
> Trigger warning: suicide mention, blood, death mention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning on making a part two for this until the moment I started typing it. Lol better late than never, right?   
> [[There won't be a part three please don't ask for one]]

The room was deadly silent. No one moved. No one spoke. The only sound was of their shallow breaths. They were all in shock because of what had just happened. After Keith's screams had woken them all up and they saw him standing there covered in blood that wasn't his own, wailing in the hallway outside Shiro's room, they knew something was wrong. Keith managed to choke out what had happened and they all rushed to the infirmary. Coran quickly took control of the situation and ordered them all to go to the dining room. They didn't need the image of their dead friend in their head. 

Now they were all sitting around the table, Pidge, Hunk, Keith, and Shiro. . . 

"He--" Hunk said breathily before cutting off. The air rushed out of his lungs and tears began to spill over his cheeks. He'd been crying almost nonstop since it had happened. In the chair next to him Keith was curled up on the chair, staring blankly at the table. He was still covered in blood. Every few minutes he would begin to shake, his face twitching as he repressed his emotions further down inside himself. His eyes flickered to the empty chair across from him and then he quickly looked away.

Pidge, on the other side of Hunk, was deep in thought. She was beating herself up for every comment, every little joke she had spoke in his direction. What if that was the reason. . . She wasn't sure she could ever forgive herself. "What if--" Pidge began to say. Shiro quickly cut her off.

"Don't." he said sternly. He was doing his best to keep them all together. He knew, more than anyone else, that in times like these it was easy to lose control and fall apart. He didn't want that to happen to any of them. 

"But--" Shiro shook his head warningly at her and turned his head pointedly at Hunk and Keith. Pidge looked over and them and pinched her lips together. He was right. They were a mess. Wondering 'why' and 'what if' was not going to help them right now. She just needed to keep her thoughts to herself, at least for the time being.

It was nearing morning now, and they were all still sitting silently at the table. Pidge had burst into tears a few times before quickly controlling herself, wiping her eyes and hiding her face. Hunk had long since run out of tears. Now he was staring lifelessly at his hands. Shiro, who had been trying to hold it all in, was starting to crack. He clenched his fists in his lap and took a few deep breaths. He just had to keep it together until he was alone. That's all. He could do it.

That's when Allura walked in.

They all straightened up at turned toward her. They weren't sure what kind of news they were looking for. Obviously they knew that. . . that he wasn't coming back. Keith explained to them that the healing pod said he was truly gone, before he went numb himself and refused to speak. But still, that cruel spark of hope was still in their chests.

"I--" she stuttered, not expecting them to all still be sitting there. She couldn't bear to look them in the faces. She could see the hopeful glint in their eyes. "I- I. . ." And just like that, their faces fell. Hunk began sobbing into his hands again. Shiro hunched his shoulders and covered his face, trying to hide his tears. Pidge, unable to cope with the news, reverted into a caretaker mode. She leaned over and began to consol Hunk. Keith remained completely still in his seat, staring off into nothingness.

"Wh- what happened?" Hunk managed to get out in between sobs. "How did it- I don't understand. . . Can we- can we see him?" Allura hesitated.

"I. . . don't think that would be the best idea right now" she said slowly. "Coran is. . . he's attending to him at the moment. Perhaps tomorrow morning. . .?" she said, sounding unsure.

"Can you at least tell us what happened?" Hunk pleaded. "Please, just tell us that" Shiro lifted his head, having collected himself, and shot an uneasy look at Allura. He didn't think it was a good idea for them to hear about it right now while they were moarning. But, at the same time, they wouldn't get closure until they learned the truth.

"Hunk. . ." Allura sighed.

"Please," Hunk cried. "Just tell me what happened. What was it? Did he- did he get sick? Was he hurt? I don't--" he scrubbed his eyes, and then turned back to Allura. His eyes were red. 

"It- it has something to do with what he told us the other day. Right?" Pidge asked. Keith held his breath and Shiro looked away. "That he was hearing voices?" Pidge looked around at everyone. "Right?"

"I think you all need to get some rest" Allura said, not looking Pidge in the eye.

"Did he kill himself?" Hunk asked breathlessly. Allura opened her mouth. Hunk, knowing that she was about to brush him off again, spoke louder. "Allura, we're not children" he said sharply. His voice cracked as he spoke. "Just tell us- Tell me what happened. What happened to my best friend?" Allura rubber her arm nervously.

"He... I- I'm not entire sure of what happened. He suffered a. . . he had a large wound in his abdomen. It seems that that was the cause of his death. H- how he recieve that wound we're not entirely su--"

"Lance did it to himself" Keith said bluntly. Everyone flinched when he said his name. "I found him. . . when I found him he said he didn't hear our voices anymore. He didn't hear our thoughts. We didn't believe him. This was our fault" The room was silent for a moment as they took in that information.

"Keith, he had lost a lot of blood by then. He was probably delirious" Shiro said. Keith moved suddenly, slapping the palms of his hands against the table, leaning across it toward Shiro's seat.

"He. Wasn't. Crazy." he seethed. 

"Keith" Pidge whispered. "Please calm down" Keith flashed a look at Pidge who quickly quieted down.

"I'm not saying he was crazy-!" Shiro clarified.

"None of you believed him! And how he's dead because of it!"

"You didn't believe him either!" Hunk said suddenly, jumping out of his head and getting into Keith's face. "Don't blame us for this when you were just as guilty!" Hunk poked Keith in the chest so hard that Keith flinched. 

"Hunk! Keith! Enough!" Allura shouted. Hunk was seething now. Keith shut down. He sunk back into his chair and buried his face in his hands. "I understand that you're grieving. We all are. You all need to get some sleep. This is not a suggestion" Slowly Shiro, Pidge and Hunk rose from the table and made their way out of the room. Keith followed slowly after. Allura stopped him.

"Keith, maybe you should. . . clean up" Allura suggested delicately before he could walk through the door. Keith paused and looked down at his blood stained clothes and the patches of blood caked to his skin. He froze. He had forgotten it was there. His mind went white for a moment. He couldn't see anything. He didn't feel anything. All he could do was think about the blood dripping from his knife as it protruded from Lance's stomach. "K- Keith?" Allura shook Keith's shoulder.

"Y- yeah. Okay" he said before pulling away. He pushed past Allura, ignoring her troubled gaze following him out the door. Keith only made it a few steps into the hallway before someone else stopped him.

"Keith?" Pidge said softly. He glanced up to look at her. She was holding on to Hunk's arm. Hunk turned away. "Me and Hunk are going to go sit in my room and try to get some rest. Do you want to come with?" she asked. Keith shook his head silently. "Keith. . . I- I don't think we should be alone right now" Pidge said gently, tightening her holding on Hunk's arm.

"Uh," Keith shook his head. "I just- I'm going to go take a shower" he jerked his thumb in the direction of his room. He felt numb. Like nothing was real. How could any of this be real? Pidge stared where he had pointed for a moment and then let out a sigh.

"Okay. . ." she said hesitantly. She turned and led Hunk back to his room. Keith waited until the door slid shut before he turned down his hall. His feet started moving, seemingly of their own accord. He didn't mean to go there, but that's where his body took him.

To his door.

Keith closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening the door and stepping through. It felt like weeks ago that he had opened that same door and found Lance lying in his shower, bleeding out, when in reality it had only been a few hours since it happened.

Keith slowly moved around the corner and into the bathroom that was attached to the room. He followed the trail of blood that had dripped from his body as he carried him to the infirmary. A puddle near the wall. A smear on the doorframe. Keith followed the puddles of blood with his eyes all the way to the pool that covered the shower floor. There was so much blood. How long had he laid there with a knife buried in his gut? How much pain was he in?

How much did he hurt that stabbing himself in the stomach seemed like a relieve from that pain?

Had he really been telling the truth? Was he really hearing the thoughts in their heads? Keith couldn't understand it. How had it happened? How long had he been hearing the voices? Was he really crazy.

Now that Lance was gone, they would never know the answer. 

Keith walked over to the sink and and looked at himself in the mirror. His face was caked in dried blood. It was everywhere. All over his arms. His legs. His clothes. Under his fingernails. It would take him hours to scrub it all off. 

Keith bit his lip and clenched his fists. His emotions were swirling inside his head. Just as soon as one thought appeared, it was gone, being replaced by a hundred others. He was spiraling into a black hole in his mind.

Lance was dead.

His friend was dead.

Keith could feel the tears that he had tried so hard to suppress welling to the surface. He banged his fist against the counter and let out a noise of pain. He lowered his head and wiped his eyes. As he did, he noticed something laying on the counter. He hadn't noticed it before. It was a piece of paper. There was some blood spattered on it. Keith frowned and picked it up. He scanned the paper and then sunk to the ground, his hand on his forehead. He read the note over and over again, taking in every word. Every detail. He felt like he had been punched in the gut.

It took Keith several more minutes to finally realize what the note meant. He sprung to his feet and then rushed out the door. 

~ ~

"He was telling the truth!" Keith screamed as he sprinted into the infirmary. Coran had just laid a sheet over the body on the table. Keith came to an abrupt stop. He didn't think Lance's body would still be in there. Every thought in his mind rushed out the minute he saw the outline of Lance's lifeless body underneath the sheet.

"Keith, what are you doing in here?" Coran asked wearily. He had been up all night and most of the day doing an autopsy on Lance. Apparently the healing pods couldn't detect injuries if there was no life. Keith slowly dragged his eyes away from the table and up to Coran.

"Lance was telling the truth" he said, still clutching the bloodied paper in his hands. "He was hearing our thoughts. He wasn't crazy!" 

"Keith. . ."

"No, I know you didn't believe him. I- I didn't either. But this note, I found this note in his bathroom and- it- he wrote things. . . things that he shouldn't know!" All his shouting had attracted the attention of the others. They all filed through the door, looking more dischevaled than they had when Keith left them only an hour ago. 

"What's going on?" Allura asked. Keith turned, and waved the paper in her face.

"Lance wasn't crazy!" Keith repeated. "He was hearing our thoughts, like he said"

"Keith. Stop" Shiro said warningly. 

"No! Look!" he shouted. "Lance wrote a note--"

"He wrote a suicide note?" Hunk asked, his face completely flat.

"What did he write?"

"Keith, give that to me" 

"Everyone stop!" Keith shouted. Everyone fell silent. Keith straightened out the paper. His hands were shaking so badly he could barely read the page. "Lance wrote. . . Lance wrote about things that he didn't know. That he couldn't have known. L- listen. 'I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't handle it. I don't know if this will kill me, but there's a chance that it will--" Keith's voice shook. "--I feel like a horrible person. Like it was somehow my decision to hear all of your innermost thoughts. But it wasn't. I didn't. 

I didn't choose to hear Pidge's cries as she imagined fining her family dead in a million different horrible scenarios, each more gruesome that the last.

I can't handle hearing Shiro's voice in his head telling him that we're all in danger constantly. I can hear his voice grow louder and softer as he roams the halls making sure that we're all still alive.

I never wanted to find out that Hunk's family was verbally abusive. I'm sorry. I tried not to listen to them, but they were so loud.

I should never had heard that Keith's father--" Keith paused for a moment before continuing. "--that Keith's father physically abused him. That he went to school after each summer break slowly baking in the heat because he wore jeans and his jacket so that no one saw his bruises.

I tried not to listen. I tried not to pry. I really did. But. . . I can't make them go away. This is my last option. This is my only option. I know none of you believe me. But it's true. I'm sorry" Keith covered his mouth as he read the last words. He had read the paper a hundred times already but now that he had read it outloud it was like it was finally read. 

Lance was gone.

It was their fault that he had died.

Why hadn't they believed him?

"Keith. . ." Coran came around the table where Lance's body laid and rested his hand on Keith's shoulder. "I'm so sorry" he said. Keith choked down a sob. He felt like like this was his fault. Why hadn't he listened to Lance? Why hadn't he noticed his pain? 

"We did this" he cried. "We did this to him" 

"Keith. . . that's not true" Hunk said slowly. Keith shook his head.

"Don't try and make me feel better. If we had just listened to him--"

"No, I mean. . . my family wasn't verbally abusive" he said. Keith frowned and looked up. Hunk's face was twisted in confusion. "My- my parents love me. They didn't yell at me. They never even- I don't know where Lance got that idea" Keith opened his mouth and then closed it. He was taken aback.

"B- but--" Keith stuttered. "The other things- they were all right. There's no way- I've never- I never told anyone about my dad" 

"Actually. . ." Pidge said softly, stepping forward. "Lance did. He found out on accident. It was a couple of months before you got kicked out. We- we were sneaking into the flight simulator to get some practice one night and we saw you there without your jacket. That, plus some other weird things and he put two and two together" she admitted. Keith's face fell. He knew? Why did he never say anything?

"But there's still a chance. . ." Keith said weakly.

"Well, that's what I was trying to tell you" Coran cleared his throat. "I completed the autopsy on. . ." Coran glanced at the table behind him. "He had obvious signs of brain damage" he said.

"How bad?" Shiro asked.

"Bad" Coran said gravely. "Honestly, I'm quite surprised that Lance managed to function under that much strain. His brain was damaged extensively, most likely from the spill into that bubbling lake, like he said" Coran explained. Keith's head was spinning.

"Oh my god" someone muttered. Keith didn't know who.

"There's more. . ." Coran said reluctantly. Keith wondered how there could be more? He just found out that Lance was brain damaged. "While performing the autopsy I found an unidentified species of parasites in his brain. They seemed to be the source of the damage in his brain. Based on the previous scans from the healing pods it seems that he had a mild brain bleed after he fell into the water" Coran explained. "They were attracted to the blood and they wormed their way into his left temporal lobe and were consuming his brain from the inside out. I believe that that was why he was. . . hearing voices" Coran said, his voice growing softer with each word. 

"So, when he was stabbed in the gut during that battle. . .?" Pidge asked, almost like she was afraid of the answer. Coran nodded.

"They were attracted to that source of blood and the voices disappeared while they focused on that wound. I believe that eventually they found their way back to the brain, and the noise continued" Keith's vision blurred. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. It was all too much for Keith's mind to handle. Keith reached out to grab hold of something, but before he found anything his feet went out from underneath him and he fainted.

If they had believed him, maybe they could have saved him. Maybe they could have gotten rid of the parasites and limited the damage in his brain.

Maybe he would still be alive.

Now they would have to live with their guilt forever.


End file.
